White Christmas

December 24, 2009

I hate my life! I hate being alone on christmas eve. I sat on my dining table, grabbed a pen and started scribbling notes of insane thoughts. I don’t usually self pity but I did at that moment – so ungraciously not me! The urge to find solace with someone else is invading my thoughts – again, not me!

I had to keep my faith intact. I had to keep fighting. This has been the destiny that I challenged myself to have and I accepted that fact long ago.

Dada wanted a baby. I wanted one, too. But my mind says NO.

I kept praying. I still am. I knew that if I have a baby, we will spend christmas, new year, dada’s birthday, and easters all by ourselves. And I keep asking myself, “Am I ready to give that to my yet unborn child? Am I going deprive him/her the joy of having a complete family?”

I don’t know. I really do not know. But thinking about it, it breaks my heart into pieces. I feel that maybe I deserve something better. And maybe someone who can give me a normal family life.

But I love him. With all my heart I do. I fought for him for the last 9 years, sacrificed all of my dreams and aspirations, I don’t think it’s time to give up. Giving up is still not an option although sometimes I am tempted to start opening my doors to suitors. I still dream that someday I will have a better life with him.

While everyone is with their families spending noche buena together, I sat in my pad alone and teary-eyed and glued on facebook? What a pathetic life! But it happens. Will love sustain my loneliness?

I did not send a message of greetings when 12 midnight strikes. I kept quiet. I thought it wasn’t my time to interfere, to make my presence felt. He is with family – where he truly belongs. At that moment I realized how lonely I am on christmas.

But why am I still here? Hopeful. Faithful.

It’s LOVE, I guess…

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